I watch a candle burn.

9/9/09

He is loosing his mind and he feels it going............

I love how when people you know are confronted with a lie, rather then being honest and truthful. They would rather be pathetic and weak and lie right to your face. Rather then admit what they have done wrong they somehow seem to find comfort in believing they are smarter than you for not telling you the truth. It's like hello you fucking moron you are caught in a lie. "TRUST" is something that takes a while to build, the ones who have trusted me know i am loyal. Can i say the same for them?.

Dog does not eat dog.
Or so i thought.

La mort à votre coeur has given me some much needed creative expression. I am almost in love with the idea, I am in love with my project. LOL anyway here are some lyrics i will be using


This is the coming age of nothing,

with nowhere in sight,

many fall and many rise,

in this age of the night,

as we face ourselves in this endless war,

look love in the eyes,

strike the heart of our love,

bring forth the reigns of freedom,

break free from them.

They were always a lie.

With death there is no ending,

just the start of a new beginning

I am starting a Solo project, it will be a riveting journey through what i am and what i believe. I am giving myself an opportunity to make my work as unconventional as possible, it is a soundtrack to my life if you will. I am going to be very dedicated to this project, spending large amounts of time channelling this energy in me. You see my traditional way of making music consists of an idea and then the time to record it, yes there is a basic outline of how i am trying to sound but never before have i actually gone into music with the intentions of only pleasing myself. Yes that is right, i have no desire to appeal to anyone but myself with this record. I am allowing myself time to do everything else musically i already do between The Auto Erotix and my band Sole Noir i will still find plenty of time to create La mort à votre coeur. When it is complete i do not want any distribution of any kind. It will be promoted by myself without any 3rd parties. I will press exactly 23 copies of the record, yes it will be on vinyl only. I know for some of you this is not exactly cool, pressing an album like this with such great intention as a vinyl only. But in all honesty this is something i have wanted to do since the very beginning.

La mort à votre coeur COMING SOON

It has come out of me. How can people be so dense to the feelings of others, maybe i should experience this feeling sometime. I am always amazed at how the past always presents itself to my life. Weather it be in a dream,through close friends,family,love and relationships. I am tired of having to relive my past. I don't want to relive these old shit memories. Memories that have taken so long to forget, for whatever reason it always happens this way. And frankly i am not amused.

This morning fucking blew. I knocked over 20 dollars worth of kief. GOD DAMN FUCKING COCK! that shit was good to. I was hoping i would have it for the weekend to make this 8th of medical marijuana last. But fucking son of a bitch cock it didn't. Instead my stupid fucking ass knocked it all over the god damn mother fucking floor and all over my shirt. I know what your thinking "what a stupid Caucasian male" DAMN!!!!! i want to slash someones tires im so mad.

I AM A MAN

AND SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I HATE

AND SOMETIMES I HATE AND HATE AND HATE AND HATE

I AM A MAN

AND SOMETIMES I HATE

I AM HATE

As i come to terms with my current situation i realize that the more i think about it the more that saying becomes ever so true, you see it takes time to come to terms with ones hatred. I used to have faith in humanity, the media, newspapers, people, family, life but lately it just seems to be one big constant struggle. I don't fucking care for thoughts of optimism anymore, i don't care for meaningless answers to problems that one can understand. I used to be sad about all these things. I used to actually care. Now i couldn't care any less than i do. FUCK EVERYTHING. I'm so sick right now both mentally and physically. These past few months have really taken its toll on me and i know most of you could care less, but at this point its no longer about anyone caring. You see these feelings have become a problem, things are now starting to become problems and to be honest i want to find the hardest surface i can and slam my skull into it as fast and as hard as i possibly can, not hoping for anything other than to just close my eyes and sleep, sleep all this god damn pain away. My body feels tired, i cant seem to get out of my own fucking head, i didn't get enough sleep as seems to be the pattern lately. Im going to fucking snap i swear to fucking god i'm very close. I NEED FUCKING SLEEP and if i cant get it tonight i'm going to fucking lose it. You see i don't like getting up and going to work and really i would quit if i had the choice. But you see if i don't everything in my life and now including my moms life will fall apart at the seams

I have realized something today. Something i seem to have found an answer to a question ive been asking myself for a very long time. And you know its pretty funny to think that the most common of trivial answers can have such hope in its message. I seem to have been fighting change for as long as i can remember, I never accepted it really never cared for it, never realizing how necessary it is and really i was always scared of change. Afraid of being alone in the world, afraid of not having anyone to turn to for assistance, its always scared me for the longest time. But looking back i feel like such a long period of my time was wasted on basically being afraid of change, because the truth is everything changes, people change, feelings change, relationships change, Friends change, buildings change, roads change, life changes and you can go through many waves of emotions as these changes will occur. To be honest i haven't been feeling the best for a very long time it seems, ive kept quiet. I have been scared, scared of everything. 90% of my time is spent wanting to run and hide. I hate this feeling ive been having lately. And it is all due to change. So what ive realized is that no matter how difficult things can get and even how amazing everything can be, what is the point of stressing on it. Really because honestly for me being the anxious person i am, i cant do it anymore. I have let go of my chains. And i finally feel comfortable knowing that change is good. Whatever may come along for my ride in life i will accept and i will embrace. I will guide my life towards the best of times all of the time. why should it be any different?

So i am ready now, i'm ready for it all.

I'm fucking tired of making any more suggestions to people when all they fucking do is get angry at me. Fuck it. I might as well just keep to my fucking self and shut the fuck up.

I got Crisis Core for the PSP. A good game indeed, although testy at times i found the game play pretty dead on considering i would rather kill myself then play most of square-enix games. ANYWAY GO BUY IT IF YOU LIKE FF7 if you dont like FF7 well then your just a loser and you know nothing about video games whatsoever. The music director should consider his life a total fucking waste and take it as a big fucking loss and an hero now! yes thats how fucking bad the battle music is. I'd rather fucking hear myself blow shit out of my ass all fucking night then that fucking pathetic excuse for FF music. I seem to like the work fuck alot today. On another note im uber tired :(

Wouldn't it be nice to beat the living fuck out of another man for no other reason other than to watch him bleed :)

Sole Noir - Volsung - SMK-05

1. Intro
2. Love To Hate
3. Iron Will
4. Addiction
5. Joy
6. All The Wrong Things
7. Organization
8. Berserk
9. The Light Never Ends
10. Precession
11. This Water
12. Fracture
13. Possession
14. Black Light
15. The Art Of Decay
16. Abort
17. Tooth & Claw
18. Death Arts


Will be out soon Feb/March